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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Did I forget I was sick?

I'm going to have a good ugly cry.. I went to Giant, I bought one (recycle bag) full of groceries. I should have divided them into two to begin with but that's not what I'm crying about. It's because that was the hardest task I have done in the past 4 years.

I thought I was supposed to feel better with this medication. This poison (milrinone) that I can't say no to. I KNOW I did too much. I am ashamed at myself for not allowing Tom to help out & saddened that I need him to function in every capacity that gets us through the day. While he graciously offers I can not give him so much of my labor, it only serves to make me feel that much sorrier for myself. I don't know what to do anymore.

I was able to thumb my nose at this disease up until about 4 months ago, steady decline in my health informed me of my arrogance & the need to stop playing the martyr role & allow ppl to help me out.

It's a natural instinct to try, I guess.

I need to honor my bodies shortcomings & respect where I am in this process. I simply can't do it anymore. I am my disease today. It has chewed me up and spit me out into a blubbering mess of self loathing tears. Frustration only scratches the surface of today's attempt at some sort of normal behavior. I was told to live while waiting for my call that a heart is there for me. I don't call this living.

What a sad entry, I'm hopeful you can understand even a wee bit & forgive me for the raw reality that is my life today..

How do I handle the progressive disease of my heart while awaiting a transplant?

1 comment:

  1. The best way that you can.

    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change;
    courage to change the things I can;
    and wisdom to know the difference.

    Acceptance of the things we can not change is not easy, but truly what choice do we have? Grief has stages; I am sure you know; they do not follow a specific order, recur, and are different for all. Of course you are grieving the loss of your life ~ not being the person you once were, I mean. Thus tears are good, a prelude to acceptance? Part of your personal mourning over loss of ability?

    Look to the future when your heart arrives, and perhaps that will help you get through your todays.